R.I.P.

My grandmother passed away today. It has been over 15 years since I last saw her and close to 10 before that. I basically lost a grandmother that I only knew for a month of my entire adult life. She’s gone and all I have of her are childhood memories and that one month she was given permission to exit Cuba for the visit.

My parents tried to reach me all day today but for some reason my phone messaging service was not working properly. They decided to call a friend, who in turn texted me with the news. Learning of such a lost, my first lost, via a text message while on a crowded bus to the Brooklyn Navy Yard, made for a horrible scenario. People around me immediately sensed something was wrong. Perhaps it was the tears rolling down my face or the sudden gasps of air that my lungs struggled to take and hold.

I got off the next stop and walked, and cried, and thought, there was even a moment where I laughed, unsure why but mostly I hated myself. I hated myself for never having written a letter or making an effort to visit the land I was displaced from so long ago. Despite the fact the love bridged the distance between us, I never made the physical effort to reinforce it, to tell her and remind her that she was, will always be important to me.

She was always there waiting, loving, bidding time and reminding everyone (often in tears as my Grandfather explained) how much she loved and missed me. I can never conceive of anyone one in this world other then my mother ever loving me as much. Too lose that, to have lost those years, too have had so much and her so little weights heavily on my heart.

Today, I lost a grandmother and gained an angel.

I love you abuela, your now home, now free.