It's late and I should be sleeping but I can't. There's so much on my mind, much of which is bothering me. I hate feeling this way but lately all I feel is this awareness of struggle, strife and a deep desire to make things better. I have a deep desire to fix pasts that can not be mended and alter the framework of the present built. There are so many regrets inside me and an awaiting void to be filled with the non lamentable.
Yet this is where I am, here, the now, this present. I would love to embrace it the way I do laughter, the day, music, art, but when I lay my head down at the end of day, the wonderful all becomes upstaged by that burning desire to be and have more then I have amassed, to be unburdened, part of something greater then myself, to be wholly accepted, forgiven, supported, embraced, acknowledged, to come as I am and have that be enough. I want to be loved. I want to know where home is. I want to be able to stand before hurricanes, earthquakes, tornados, and close my eyes and picture a place, a face, and know that come what may come all is well because I belong somewhere, no matter the distance or chaos that nature and the heavens might place before me
The journey to self fulfillment seems so difficult to tread at times. I wish I were unattached to the high demands I place on myself, to be uncaring, worry free, a vagabond at the mercy of fate and the alms of the almighty. Oftentimes though the difficulty of the journey makes one question so much of him/her self and one feels forsaken, cheated, lost and hopeless.
And tomorrow is another day. I will wake up and drape myself with clean pressed garbs and adorn myself with smiles and flattery and commence my hike down this winding road that's life. I rather it was hand in hand, with whispered words of encouragement, with more to look forward to then the continuance of the unpaved journey and no idea of where it is I am going.
Every time I feel like this, I remind myself of that journey 27 years ago. I was five and weak from days without water or food on that boat lost at sea for what seemed like an eternity. Nothing could keep me from letting go of that railing as the treacherous seas came down on us with wave after wave of reason for which to lose hope. But I held on, with the blind faith of a child who understood nothing of tragedy or regret, which blindly puts its faith on a world he knows will soon provide and no matter how bad a storm, had the assurance that the sun was bound to shine.
I am that little boy this evening. Trying to make sense of things in the darkness, as life batters me with endless waves of turmoil; afraid, lost, and confused, holding on to the railing with everything I got, searching for the sun in the distant unseen horizon.
You did it once again... so sublime, ethereal and honest...
you are the spokesman of so many hearts out there... including yours.... mine...
que bien Yusef... que bien pa..
Tienes que coger lo suave hermano. Yo siento abecés las cosas que dices. La verdad es, yo no se adonde yo encuentro la fuerza para seguir en esta vida. Deseo a veces que esta vida, la luce que quemas anta dios quiere, se apaga por siempre. Tan frágil que es la vida. Lo veo esta manera; dios todavía no acabado con mi. Deseo pensar que yo tengo algo más en esta vida; que yo tengo más para contribuir. ¿Pero yo que se? Yo no se si esto te puedes traer algún confianza, pero quisiera que supieras que aunque no seamos tan cerca, tu todavía tienes un amigo. Que la paz este con ti.
wow...
in so many words, you speak for so many.
i feel the same way you do at times and though our pasts are different, an overwhelming need for self fulfillment, for achieving your goals and dreams and the difficulties of trying to make things happen is frightening...
it's scary to be isolated and to feel as if you are alone dealing with this..but seeing this post and reading your site...
I know im definitely not alone. and neither are you....
you have gmail...
Writers are so reflective about their life. Yesterday was my time to reflect as well. I felt despair looking at the median salaries that teacher's make in my county. To make $51K with ten years of experience was very depressing to me. I am currently 22, will graduate by 24 in January of 2008 and by the time I'm 34, assuming I have been working steadily in school for ten years...that's how much I will be making. I thought about how other majors can easily make that much money and more in a lesser time. It was depressing. I was scared. Could I change my future now that I'm still an undergrad and become possibly an administrator in the schools? Then I could be making $100K but with 23 years of experience. Making $100K at 47 is not that bad but how realistic is it? Where is the demand for administrators? Isn't it easier to get a job as a teacher because teachers are much more in number than administrators and are far more likely to retire? Am I going in for teaching for the money or because of the benefits of an education and helping people in my community and elsewhere? Those are the intangible benefits that will perhaps provide me with true happiness. I must factor that in as well. Money is not everything but given our world and the need for money to do practically everything, that's the way it feels. So to be realistic, one must find a job that provides you with comfort enough to make you feel like you are not struggling. Who wants to struggle anymore? A college degree should afford you some luxury but even that is not enough without experience in your field. Oh the frustrations! This was my reflection yesterday. I don't want to throw my years away waiting on a promise I might never see. I often have a pessimistic attitude but then I recover. I question, will I be married to the love of my life? Will gay marriage be legal by then? Is that what I really want? And what about my twenties...did I do with my youth what I would have wanted to? The only word I could find for it all was despair. But after talking about it, I figured that there are so many factors that could affect my future that I cannot plan it all out. I will act to make my future better but I know that in life there is nothing guaranteed. I'm sorry if I ended on a somber note but you know as well as I do that it's the truth. All I can say is that everyone needs to hold on to their railing and hope to reach stable ground from the ocean of doubts that plague the mind.
so I'm not the only one...thanx Yusef.
Then embrase it man!!!!
Knowing is a burden and you are putting that burden into practice. YOU KNOW what to do and are not doing it, and that's just it! ...
You are too much theory and not enough practice, much like me, and i understand and I cannot agree any more with what you've written here. I too am on the same journey as you, but i stoped hoping as it gave me much to expect, and i question everything under the sun ...
try to keep your head up high and move forth, the past is just what it is and the future is none of our business until we get there.
I hear you Johan. We have pending plans. Lets set a day.
Gabriel,
I know its not always easy to find something we love to do and make enough to live or better yet, afford a comfortable lifestyle that affords us the necessities and little pleasures we require.
However, there is something commendable about teaching. I wouldn't mind teaching some day and I probably will for some time as soon as I get my Masters. Money isn't everything but its important. Find your niche in something your passionate for because even the rich are often unhappy.
Wow Yusef,
You are a great writer, and I love how you are so reflective of your life. I can just feel your words as if I'm actually there...
Keep up the good work...
You have an amazing gift! I can tell these words flew out of your mind smoothly and went on to paper. Yusef everyone has there own journey that they must fear conquering. Also not coincidental is that everyone has there own little rail to hold onto for dear life. I think you could figure out mine