Happy Birthday To Me.

My favorite B-day wish today.

Thirty-one! I hate this and every number here after. I won’t start wearing my age with pride till I am well into fifty. I guess that means that I have another 19 years of uncomfortable how-old-are-you moments and the endless (hopefully) lines of wow, you look great for you age. I am thirty one and honestly feel that I have nothing to account for it. I mean, I am working on that part and have so many memories, good and bad, as proof of a life well lived.

Yet, I lack a certain missing element but what it is I do that know. Thirty-one, with no real job (my choice), no education (life’s turn of events), 17 months single (also my choice), been in love only once (couldn’t ensure that one either) and I have hardly an idea of where it is that I will be 10 years from today.

All in all, I contemplated a whole lot during my festive birth anniversary. At the stroke of midnight, I was still at work counting a sum of what was too be 100 dollars less then what I normally make on a Saturday night in the rainiest day of the season thus far. I was surprised with a panna cotta pudding with a candle atop and sung happy birthday to.

My first birthday wish of the night came from Claudio and the second from Casey. Neither of which I was expecting such an early birthday wish from but extremely happy that they did. No one who has given me head or professed deep feelings in the last six months happened to remember. There where two pending calls that I did wait for throughout the day. One was from my family who has broken my heart by already having forgotten a few these last past years. The second came in the form of an e-greeting which was less then I wished for but more then I expected.

I woke up at about 8am after about 5 hours of sleep and got dressed in the nicest dancing gear that I was able to manage with out the need to iron and headed out to a club. Yep, that’s right a club. In the last year I have gone out 4 times in NYC. Once to Club Deep on my last birthday, once to Splash, once to the Monster and the last was in November to limelight where I spent 80 percent of the time in the DJ booth on a leather couch. There where those two seedy bars I attended in Miami but it was Miami and seedy and thus they do not count.

Getting to the club was a real hassle. One, after a 15 hour work day on your feet, 5 hours of sleep is not enough. Two, social anxiety kicked in at the idea of actually reentering a world I for the most part have turned my back to. Three, because I was now 31 which, should have been the ideal time for the unexpected and sporadic yet I had the underlying itchy feeling of little accomplishment hindering my celebrative mood.

After well over an hour of inner battles, I finally called a cab and left the house. I was kind of pleased with my appearance and was convinced that I looked rather yummy despite the anxiety attacks I was secretly struggling with. I finally got to Crobar and walked into Long Island’s Guido Sunday morning alternative to church. The club was a strange mix of what seemed like an 80 percent hetero/ 20 percent gay crowd. Identifying individual sexual preference did however become increasingly difficult to tell through out that morning. I knew maybe 5 people in the crowd of hundreds. They where quiet the contrast to my just woke up not too long ago and showered face. I was for the most part lost in a sea of strange, bloodshot, strung out faces.

My being lost in that turbulent sea of others too high to really notice me and such few who actually did know me, turned out to be a great blessing. At first I deemed it a curse as I bumped into one torso after another making my rounds to find familiarity in the space. After some time, I realized that it was just me and the music. I then took her in and we became one. I danced for hours.

I got home at around 1pm and slept until about 7pm. I woke up to several e-cards, my mom’s voice and 3 new Netflix DVD arrivals. I ordered Chinese. Walked one block to my best-friends and received my first (so far only) birthday present. It was a Gepe light box for film and slides. I was super happy because it was just what I wanted. I then smiled the remainder of that night.