Boy, am I stressed. I think that I am over committing myself to way too much. All these hours of work and school are taking their toll. It is becoming harder and harder to find the time to do it all while getting adequate sleep time. To tell you the truth when I do happen to finally turn off all the lights my mind starts racing and no matter my level of exhaust, it will be some time before I sleep.
Sometimes I dream about work or school or being somewhere magical where at every turn there is something more beautiful then before to take a picture of. Of course, in those dreams work is hectic, school equates to long dreams of text on books, whose long winded lines seems to make no sense at all. During the beauty at every corner turn my camera is missing a memory card, low on batteries or I am endlessly unable to set the right speed, nor aperture size.
On my days off I have to go and get “tutoring”, which equates to a giant communal table with one tutor. I am a fucking dyslexic idiot when it comes to mathematics. I mean, come on, why can I understand so many under complicated subjects but struggle with algebra? I hate it. I hate that communal table. I have a very difficult time maintaining my inner Zen with the Christian extremist geek who sits at the table and challenge me about my “abandonment of Christ.”
He is a frail and gangly small man who finds his strength in the power of Christ. He takes this written word thing serious folks. And just when you thought that his eyes couldn’t get any crosser. He spittle’s the good book across the table. He is also a bigot. You should see how he talks about “homosexuals”, a word which he is unable to say without a grimace of disgust and half whispering the “sexual”. It sounds more like HOMOsexual. I think I would rather hear him say faggot.
He’s very good at remembering the bible but not much able to grasp anything else. It’s also funny how he shakes his head from side to side at the mention of Muslim or Buddhist. That guy has issues. I hope hear never hears heavenly voices that tell him to smite the deviants. For the record he is very good at math. I think that he just attends the tutoring sessions to hear the tutor caudle him with “very-goods.” He shouldn’t be there with his knowledge of psalms and equations.
He is however the least of my mathematic problems. I have hated the subject my entire life and have my adolescent report cards to prove it. It’s the kind of thing that I need to devote more time to, then the “regular” students need to. So I think that I will be dropping my math course and taking it during the summer. I really rather not but I am about 4 chapters behind and down to 5-6 restless hours of sleep. I sleep it over after a short prayer for the crossed-eyed lost lamb.
“The whole history of science has been the gradual realization that events do not happen in an arbitrary manner, but that they reflect a certain underlying order, which may or may not be divinely inspired.”
-Stephen Hawking
Welcome to my world of studying/working/gym/social life (whats left of it)and paying bills!! But I will say this and I think you will agree - I feel good being at school going for that degree, knowing that I'm bettering myself. Maybe you should cut a day off from your work schedule? Or actually I'm sure this semester is almost over, for next semester, now that you know what its like being back in school n' working, you'll schedule your life a little easier? Ttyl...gym hear I come!