I few days ago, I mentioned that I was having some issues with a temperamental alarm clock. Well yesterday, during my only scheduled day off this week, before going in to work for an hour to catch up on some office work, I bought not one but two alarm clocks at Bed Bath & Beyond. The more expensive model came with all kinds of features such as natural sounds, a time wall/ceiling projector, snooze, etc. etc. I was so glad to get that out of the way. I remember showing the clocks to the general manager as a sincere sign of a desire to eradicate the previous grievances.
Last night before going to bed I set the more expensive model and fell asleep to the sound of crashing waves without any worries about the unit deciding not to sound at the set time.
I woke up at 10:15am to the natural sound of the rain storm outside, my heart in my throat, wondering what the fuck went wrong. Because I was supposed to have been awoken up by the new unit at 8am and was as of that very second already 15min late. I was running around like a dog chasing its tail. In 10min I showered, yelled and chased my cat for crossing my hurried steps, forgot to brush my teeth, got dressed, and then got soaked while looking for a cab to set me back another $25. I couldn’t call in because my cell phone was no where to be found during that 10min eternity of a wake up call. Throughout that whole ride, I was trying to mentally make the cab move faster and traffic disappear to no avail. I arrived at Canal Street at 11am (now an hour late) to find back to back traffic. I got out of the cab hurting about the fee and ran for 5 blocks while adding several liters of rain water to my already drenched attire. I walked in the restaurant like a scared wet dog with an apologetic I-just-peed-on-the-couch-again look and was greeted by the insults of my manager who wanted nothing to do with me today and sent me home.
I have never ever been sent home from a job in my life. I felt like shit. I walked around for a while ambivalent to the rain and with the soar throat feeling one gets when something horrible happens or you talk your body into holding back tears. I felt so fucking shitty and horrible. I lost the trust of my managers, set my self back financially and will probably get a cold from the three back to back down pours.
I went to Union Square Park and sat on my favorite I-hate-my-life bench where a long ago obsession and love affair began and moped under the rain. If you happen to not have an I-hate-my-life bench, don’t go out and get one. They do not always make you feel better. Today it was more like a metaphoric electrical chair of sorts and for our purposes we will refer to it as the Strapless Sadistic Chair. I thought it was funny how everything was going bad and all I could think about at that moment was how much I missed being able to share the difficulty of the day with him and then felt incredibly alone. I guess that I have been aware of that lost missing part of my life for some time. Two or three years I’d say and every now-and-then I drown myself in those memories which seem to fade a little more with every passing day and miss being loved, having a sense of family and the affection of a supportive lover, friend; An object of desire that brings me closer to a sense of completeness in an often glass-is-half-empty world.
After a long sit, thoughts about lost objects of affection, inner incompleteness, self-destructive fantasies and a thorough drenching I walked over to Virgin Records and salivated over all the DVD’s I couldn’t afford. I then headed to the pet store and bought my cat some caned food to make up for the horrible loss of temper that I scapegoat on her for being a fatty catty who always begs for food even on days when her owner is late at no fault of hers and made a mental note to be extra affectionate towards her once I got home.
The whole time a copy of Sigmund Freud’s Civilization and its Discontents sat in my backpack offering all of the sterile explanations to my feelings of love, attachment, and discontent. But, I yet to find any explanations to make these ongoing feelings of attachment to days long past disappear nor would an explanation of why my individual demand of the universe has become a prison-like box that I cant think outside of nor find salvation from. I guess one can dissect the truth all they want but one can’t change how it makes you hurt, feel, and if you’re lucky, heal. Love is complex and multi-layered but knowing that doesn't change the fact that it is what it is. And, it is what it is; I miss him like crazy, even his bad side and I miss him most on days like this.
I got home to yet another soaking down pour and the first thing that I did was look for my phone to make a long overdue call. I then found out that my phone had been disconnected. I was so pissed all I wanted to do was to hear a welcomed voice but that was not going to happen. So I resulted to hugging my poor cat who after a while probably considered clawing at my eyes. Poor thing first she is a scapegoat then has to make up for the lack of quality relationships in my life. I resorted to venting on paper, adding weight to each stroke depending on the evoked feeling and scratched my way through several pages of therapeutic rants.
Yusef,
sorry 2 hear about your day man. um nothing 2 say I guess but that things do get better. Hang in there...
Damn, I've been reading your journal as i call it for about 8 maybe 10 months. We know mutual people (i'm the one from orlando) but anyway - I dont want to say sorry or i feel bad for you. Thats probably the last thing you need. Just remeber all of this is test in life and remember god will never give you more then you can handel. At least thats what i told myself when i felt all was going wrong and there was no bright side to any of it.
You have so many readers - I'm shocked i havent seen any one post a donation page or something to that affect - I mean one would think that you have to be pay for the website.
If I knew how to do the page i would, just a suggestion. One can never be to humble to except a well deserved gift. Keep your head up papa!!!!!!
JQ
i'm sorry you had such a shitty day it's fucked up but i happens to all of us. i've been late many times myself even when i do wake up 2 hours eariler...being late is the story of my life. shit u need to get a fuckin rooster fuck the clock with the projection, nature sounds, shit yoiu need a natural alarm, cause that rooster will wake yo ass up! gosh that reminds me of the Philippines and BUSHWICK (BKLYN..HoLLA) But working 60 hours will drain the f**k out of you and ruin your motivation! Anyways bro keep ya head up and pray! Stay fresh and PEASH!!!
-lex
deja vu.
diablo loko.
been mia again. was tryina do my thing tu sabe which amounted to nothing at the end. im sure theres a lesson to be learned somewhere. im not interested at the moment, however.
reading this entry makes me feel like im not alone. thanks.
not necessarily a positive thing. not bad either though.
just....refreshing.
i liked how expressive and descriptive it was.
kinda wish i had more to read--this weather has helped set the mood, heh.
my phones out of service too btw.
could be worse, i suppose.
ill stay praying.
prayer....an interesting phenomenon.
suave por ahi.
o mi pana....
some of the comments being left on previous posts are ridiculous.
let me know if u need me to dropkick some people
:0P
be good.
Wow!!! I'm really really sorry your day was like that.. But don't worry I had a day of hell at work yesterday. I walkied in and said "Good Morning and no one acknowledged me.. That was only the beginning. Anyhow enough about my day just try and look on the bright side of things. At least you have memories of happy times that can help you escape reality even if its just for one minute... Hope to hear from you soon as take it easy !!
Ahh, at last normal commentary...
Thanks guys. Stay blessed
-Yusef
see.... If I'm around more often maybe u wont be so depressed!!!!!
waz going on i see things arent so good well i would just say its carma or that u are deppresed and thinking about the time u had that loved one that made u complet well Yusef u make your self deppersed and it is around that time on the years think about it dosnt everyone have a off season comone last time i see u u were well 2gether and things didnt seem 2 bother u well just take care of yourself and dont look back at love cuz if it waz real love it would of still kept on have a bless day homie ps"my b day waz monday 10/10 im fully grown now" lol :)
Happy B-lated tito. Congrats now u can do grown things.
you mean MY copy of sigmund freud's civilization and its discontents....
Yusef - Even though you can't see it, love is all around you. Things will get better all you have to do is believe that it will. You know all about inner-strength and resilience and I don't have to remind you of when to use them. Life has a funny way of working things out for us. Love and life will collide with such a force when you least expect it, that it'll make you laugh at the way you are now, because you'll be much better off for having gone through it. - dre
Your copy? I have the receipt in my bag. I bought it last week.
Luv you
I agree with Tito, " cuz if it waz real love it would of still kept on ". However the relationship ended love not necessarily did the same. Our relationships end for petty reasons sometime, yet our love for the person doesn't necessarily end. I also liked what Dre said as it has brightened up my thoughts on my relationship a little, " Love and life will collide with such a force when you least expect it, that it'll make you laugh at the way you are now, because you'll be much better off for having gone through it". I understand this passage as, enjoy the relationship you are in and take it for what it is. If it works out then you are a lucky one, and if not a new one will come about until the true love id foun.
Yusef - You will one day find the true love. And about the alarm clock - You shold have tested it out before using it, hope you got on time the next day. Take care.
Peter,
You sound like me lecturing you about Viola. All high and mighty now that you’re screwing our Japanese teacher’s TA. I’m kidding…sort of.
Anyway, I wanted to clarify. I once found love and it’s still very present and alive within me. Being separated from the focus of that love is the difficult part, not the love itself. Will I be able to love again, have I loved in between? Yes. Well, kind of sort of. But, not all loves are of the same caliber. Some you hold on to for life. It is this love that I presently hold on to. Call me a masochist, a wishful dreamer or just sincere about my feelings.
Separation is a physical state and love is an intangible conundrum of spirit. Time doesn’t sit still and only it can tell what is yet to come, what will change or what will be resolved.
Hopefully I will see you and Ayumi for dinner next week at my house.
Sounds good to me, let me know when you are available and we will get together.
yea you're right, i looked for it after i read your blog.....you smell....
I don't have much to add to the comments posted her. Just want to tell you that you are in my prayers and please put me on the list of people you know are pulling for you and here to see you through this time of struggle.
Perhaps setting your alarm clock for rain storm when it's been raining for eight days wasn't the best move, but lesson learned. And one day, you are going look back on this time of your life and be quite proud of yourself for getting through it.
Travis,
The alarm was set to beep (loudly) I fell asleep to the sound of the ocean. The loud beeping though was set to go off at 8pm instead of 8am.
Lesson learned.
MLF,
Monkey boys smell worst.
I spoke with your pops the other day. Hope you had fun at the wedding and congrats on the basement renovations.
Love you mostest... :wink:
Wow I thought I was the only one who had the recent issue with alarm clocks lol how ironic. It happens man even all the way in Kuwait (that's where I stay and work regretfully I blame it on NYC job market..but that is another story). I has 3 clocks going but seemed that I sleep through everyone except my alarm on my cell..go figure. It's not the end of the world you aint get fired man. I am hard on myself too only thing is when I am late 9 times out of 10 no one misses me or they dont really care but I pride myself on my character. I said all that to say this "What's done cannot be undone, just learn from it and move on"...I hope that made sense lol later. Oh incase you are wondering someone who says they know you gave me your site to read a while back and I finally got time to look over my favorites and found it. Keep doing what your doing man.
Kuwait? Wow! That’s far. I imagine that you must get very homesick. Its sounds like a difficult choice. I’m glad to hear that you are doing well. Thanks for passing by.
Tell me about it man! I am 7 hours ahead of the east coast. I do get homesick even though I really have no home outside of me adopting Brooklyn as home cause I am there so much. I was in the army for almost 8 years and overseas about 85% of the time now I am over here working for the army as a civilian contractor so I am tired of not being in the states period. It will all come together one day my hardest thing is missing out on a social life. It has it's ups and downs....I am grateful for both. Take care enjoying reading your page so far.