I wake up with a startled jump on the train, a stop before mine. I look around hoping that no one noticed me but people around me did and they quickly look away and pretend to be caught up in their own moment. My jaws hurt because in my short subway nap, stress resulted in the involuntary grinding of my teeth. I stand up half heartedly, not wanting to risk falling back in to sleep and missing my stop. I walk to the corner store after getting off the train and contemplate spending seven dollars on a pack of cigarettes, my newest vice to help deal with the anxiety of the present. I open my door and walk into an empty apartment that I can no longer afford. I find solace in a cheap bottle of wine and a feline that has no one else in the world except for an ever busy caretaker desperately trying to maintain what little they both have. Fermented aged grapes and a soft pelt do little to dispel the hardships of a day of invisibility. I fill glass after glass of water; wipe down the tables in between their courses, with hardly a look of acknowledgement or a thank you. I play the role, the help. The Hispanic boy with the Salvation Army bought polyester slacks, which will walk away tonight, after ten hours, with forty-one dollars worth of gratuity for a job well done. I turn on the shower and wait for the water to become hot enough to open up my pores and wash away a day past and soon relived. I dry myself off, while looking in the mirror wondering what has become of me and how long it will all last. I gulp down the first glass of red. Hurriedly in search of that place where one begins to forget and sleep becomes easier but I know that it will be several hours before I find that much needed calmness. I chain smoke. I turn on my computer and check for emails, comments, and the total number of hits for the day on my site. I have emails from London, Madrid, New York, California and a total of 139 hits. I smile at the only reminder that today I’ve been remembered and yet here I stand alone, fitting a battle, lacking a shield, will, my only sword. I call upon God and ancestors and ask them what more is there for me to learn from this lesson. How hard will I need to fall before I am allowed to pick myself up again? I frown and thank them for the lesson. I have a second glass of wine and a third, perhaps a fourth, cigarette. I take deep long pulls in between sips of sauvignon. An hour has past but there is still another glass or two to acquaint. If I attempt sleep now, waves of worry will erode tranquility. I pick up my phone and scroll its address book thinking of souls that might be awake and interested enough to entertain conversation, forgetting that I am completely disconnected and all my lines of service were cut of a week ago. It has been a week and a half now since I speak to family and I wonder if they are worried. Tomorrow, I will buy a calling card and assure them that all is well. I know that I will lie and tell my mother that a great job is in the middle of negotiation and that everything is going well. I am too embarrassed to express my hardship and lack the humility to ask for assistance. Everyday, I worry that I will soon show up at my family’s door with a U-haul parked outside and a look of shame upon my face. Where else would I go? What else is there to do?
I am harboring so much anger inside at the moment. I hate employers that call back with overqualified, undereducated, or already filled position excuses. My dick-head ex who left after a year and a half of an all-expense-paid-ride, and after finally getting a job, realized it was either help with bills or selfless hording. I hate the chef at work for hating me for no apparent reason other then the fact I breathe. He makes my life impossible. I hate the customers who leave shit tips. I hate my cat for being my only ongoing source of affection. I hate my landlord for once again raising the rent this month. I hate my previous company for laying me off and not giving me a permanent position. I hate myself for harboring spite, for being lonely, for writing this, for showing weakness, for lacking faith, and slowly losing hope. Mainly, I hate myself for hating, and losing sight of who it is that I really am, he who no one really knows. Underneath all of this murky cloudy stagnate desperate self owned momentary identity, I reside. Awaiting, the sunshine of a day that seems so far removed, full of love and with no where to put it, misunderstood, overtly objectified, overqualified, undereducated, underpaid, always on guard, insecure about tomorrow, smiling at the world, and knowing ninety percent of the time that it can’t begin to give, half of what I am willing to put out.
Tragic? You bet. Venting? Definitely. Wine induced? For sure. Real? Most definitely.
Ultimately, me, this night, this moment, this forth glass of wine.
Yusef - You are going through something I've come to call Emotional Bullets. It's the things that keeps us back, stop us from dreaming, realizing who we can be, the frustrations, the anger and resentment towards people who've hurt you, the coulda shoulda wouldas, and anything else you can throw in there. They can be powerful, poignant, and character forming. From your entry, you were fully loaded and went off. This is the worst part of it. Your life will get better soon. I promise. When you go off on life like that, it's telling you to realize things. It's time to let some things off your chest and get to the center of your core. Let them bullets fly.
The pain and hurt one can endure can be tremendous, but it also serves as a way to keep us grounded in reality; on what we need to do. Push forward. It's very easy to get lost in this turbulent existence in our factors and circumstances and til it seems like we have nothing left. I know what you're going through. All I can say is, you have family, loved ones, friends, who can and will take care of you during this time. Even though the road you were on changed and you seem lost-Yusef is still there, you just don't remember where you left him. Go get him.
It's good to vent, you never want to keep that shit bottled up inside of you. There is alot of love, fire, and passion in your eyes....your soul, and a yearning for greatness. I know you won't let hate and sadness take over, you are too strong for that.
My heart is breaking for you, because I know you deserve better. I'm sorry i'm not able to be there for you right now, save you, help you out, but that day will come. Stay strong, never lose sight of who you are, and if you need to, go home and seek the comfort, and help of your family, don't be ashamed, you know they love you to death, and will be there for you.
Always remember to smile, and remember you got a Samoan boy over here who loves you like a fat kid loves cake....mmm cake.... Seriuosly, OU TE ALOFA IA TE OE.
Remember this quote?: "There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course.
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."
-Carl Jung
Thank you Dre.
Always loved that quote, Kal
My heart bleedz for you.........maybe because I been there a time before. Just remember to keep your head up Yusef, it will all pass.
"Time is the best and worst thing"
1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for
you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to
be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't
like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from
it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look:
you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you
probably
won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or
later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude
>>remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much
better
when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that
they are great.
A Minute: They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to
appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget
them.
Take the time... to live and love.
As the wind whispers
The moon fades
El agua cae desde el cielo nubloso
hiding the stars, the moon and the sky
pero el agua…
sigue cayendo…
I know the pain and despair that you're feeling and it seems as though there's never a clearing. But never forget, he never gives you more than you can handle and that which does not kill you will only make you stronger. It may all sound cliche but when you really sit back and take the saying in it's whole, it will give you hope and the will to continue! Continue you must,you have an amazing talent, beauty, and soul that will carry you though the darkness and take you to where belong!
excuse me if im alitte forward but : why are people residing poems, and quotes. show him love by being real and give him comfort from words from the heart.
everyone may not agree but this is something i just had to say what i feel ...
ysef i feel for you from the bottom of my heart i hope all is well and im sure theres nothing that can say to cheer you up just know that you have people who feel your pain and your not alone..
hope all is well ..and be safe
Really, its O.K. guys. I know that things are hard for me at the moment but they are far from impossible. i know that you guys all mean well no matter how cliche or from the heart your comments are. I am happy enough for the comments.
I know that lately I have not been the happiest-go-lucky of individuals but life will always have its ups and downs. At the moment my words are reflective of the present, not the fixed. I have plenty reasons to smile and many blessing to count.
Thanks guys
and with that said - you keep smiling and keep going. it can only get better. much love and respect.
Yusef,
I know that you will wake up soon and all the problems of your today's reality will be a history; A time when you endured much but learned more and you will once again stand high above the rest. You are one of the most self-sufficient, progressive, and intelligent - both academically and street wise people I know and I know that you will overcome this as you have many other issues of life. I've been reading your life for a while - just haven't commented much. I have been lately too absorbed in my own struggles to be a good friend during yours. I hope that by the time I comeback from Poland on the 8/24 you will have busboys pouring you the drinks.
Take Care,
Piotr
Peter,
Thx for the visit. Make sure you swing by the crib for some drinks before you go. Let me know I'll get the guys together. If i dont see you have a safe trip and watch out for those loose polish girls we dont want you to bring home any pencilin needs or leave and babies over there. One of you is enough.
hahah
later
I'm leaving on Monday and today is a full day of packing and cleaning and last minute errands. I'll see you when I come back.
later
Mi Cubanito...........*sigh*...I love reading your thoughts.it just reminds me that I am not the only one going through hardships...I also find some what of a strange comfort in knowing that not all of what I go through is bad. I thank you for being so real. You give me the inspiration to write whatever is on my heart. After i do that.I feel some what relieved....porfavor sigue adelante.....you give so many of us out here an outlet 2 be able to read what most of us are afraid to say or to admit. I thank you for having a site like this... its my home away from home..........Ciao......