Pigeons, Rats, Taxis and Hidden Fees

There’s nothing worst then driving around a city infested by, in order of infestation magnitude, pigeons, rats, taxi’s and hidden fees. Earlier today, 200 or 300 feet below Manhattan’s Times Square subway station, I shared a subway platform with a subterranean pigeon. I remember thinking that we had enough rodents down here with the rats! The last thing we need is for their toxoplasmosis infected feathered cousins to join in. Perhaps, with time more will come, join a union and then cover up the train platforms in the layers of white and green guano that most of the city’s statues are hiding beneath.

Hours later, behind the wheel of an upgraded U Haul truck, my two black eyes peered at another form of pestilence, lines of rubbernecking cab drivers in their non-emissions compliant yellow carbon-monoxide emitters. I sat in traffic forever. About 45 minuets and 3 grams of inhaled free radicals later, I had the privilege of sitting and guarding the moving truck, behind a buildings loading area, which sat at a 50 foot proximity to a garbage dump area in Washington Heights that housed a hefty population of about one or two hundred cat sized rats. I sat there, the silent horrified spectator, as they rehearsed scenes from what looked like the Gladiator. They fought, squealed, bit, chased each other and maintained a continuous supply of goose bumps running up my back for about an hour.

I sat there in the dark looking at my furry neighbors and silently hoped that no close friends would move out anytime soon and ask for help. If so, it is possible that I may feign sickness or a family tragedy to escape what may also turn out to be another compromising situation. I feel like I always get talked into these things. It’s as if people knew that I am predisposed to unequivocally agree to moving furniture, painting, stripping floors, and every other form of manual labor that I tried to avoid in life by getting an education. I was very proud of my friend and decided to go ahead and volunteer my services on his big day. So, I lent out my Department of Motor Vehicle registered self along with my credit card number to him so that he might proclaim independence. Before choosing U Haul, we researched prices on the web for a while and we decide that U-Haul’s $19.95 deal for a one day rental seemed quite inviting. Little did we know that the $19.95 size truck could only manage about four shoes sizes worth of cubic space. So an upgrade, insurance, diesel fuel and twenty-nine miles later, at $2.99 per mile, my credit card was charged a hefty $156.17.Talk about being bamboozled!

Later that night, after the truck was dropped off and I was back home complaining about all of the hidden fees and not so hidden pests, my friend turns to me and says: “oh my God, I never put U Haul’s hand truck back in the vehicle!”

Fuck.